When the phone rang, I was filled with nervous anticipation. My husband was searching for a job after his second layoff, and he had just taken a test for the one company that could keep us in Russellville with all of our family. I was so hopeful for good news.
After all, at the moment, pain was all around me. I was in a Florida hotel room accompanying my mother-in-law to her step-father's funeral. This sudden death added to the pain our family was experiencing with my father-in-law's fight with cancer. I was so hopeful that this phone call would bring a light to our darkness.
But my hopes were shattered as soon as I heard Matt's voice. He didn't know the results, but he was sure he didn't pass. In that phone call, our hopes for staying in our hometown, being near our family, and building our home, were slipping away.
I went to take a shower before the visitation, and I couldn't help but sob and sob. I didn't understand. Why were all these things happening at once? Why couldn't we have gotten some good news? Had God forgotten about us? Did he still have a plan? Why did he seem so silent? At that moment, the faith I had worked so hard to maintain over the months was crumbling.
And there I was. With nothing else left to cling to. Except the one thing I couldn't let go of.
Thankfully, in the midst of it all, I couldn't forget Who my God is. I couldn't forget his promises. His character. His love. His provision. I learned that when I fixed my eyes on him, and him alone, the circumstances around me seemed to get dimmer in the shadow of his light.
What I experienced in my heart that day is what I think Peter experienced when he walked on the water with Jesus.
"'Come,' [Jesus] said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, 'Lord, save me!'" (Matthew 14:29-30)
According to the first part of this verse, Peter walked on the water with no problem. He had his eyes on Jesus. The reality of his circumstances - the fierce wind and waves - were not a question in his mind at that point. All that mattered was that he saw Jesus, he was walking to Jesus, and he trusted Jesus.
But then things changed. Peter became aware of his reality. Most translations of this verse I read say that Peter "saw" the wind. If Peter saw the wind, then his eyes weren't fixed on Jesus. They were fixed on his circumstances, and he panicked. He found himself sinking.
One interesting thing to note is that the wind didn't stop when Peter was walking on water. The difference in his condition was where his eyes were fixed. When they were fixed on Jesus, his circumstances didn't change. The wind was howling and the waves were threatening. But because his eyes were on Jesus, he didn't sink.
Similarly, when we fix our eyes on Jesus, our circumstances don't automatically improve. Jesus doesn't always calm the storm immediately. But when our focus is on him, our perspective changes. He gives us the strength to overcome, and he walks us through it. Then, in his time, and whether it be in this life or in Heaven, Jesus will take us in the boat and the wind will stop.
A few weeks after Matt took his test, he got a letter that he - miraculously - passsed his test and eventually got the job. Jesus had taken us into the boat and this storm had calmed.
But I will never forget that day when the wind and waves were so fierce that all I could do to keep from sinking was look to my Jesus.
Walking on Water, Part 1
I remember the night vividly. It was spring of last year, and I was sitting in the chair beside Drew's crib, waiting for him to fall asleep. The praise songs that calmed Drew for sleep were echoing in the room, almost mocking how I was feeling at the moment.
My husband had been laid off for the second time in four months, and we were clueless about what God wanted for us. The faith that had seen me through the first layoff was faltering. I couldn't see which way to go, and I definitely couldn't see God anywhere in sight. It felt as if he had just left us there in our situation, all alone.
This must have been what the disciples had felt after Jesus had fed the five thousand and then sent the them across the sea on a boat. When Jesus still hadn't joined them between 3 a.m. and 6 a.m., the disciples were afraid and worried. Not only was it the wee hours of the morning, but the wind was also causing the boat to rock and sway. They were fearful and probably confused. After all, they were on the water because this was what Jesus had told them to do, and they had followed his instructions.
Little did they know that Jesus was going to come through for them and perform a miracle right before their frightened eyes.
If Jesus had walked on water during the daytime and in calm seas, would the disciples have experienced the full effect and power of this miracle?
Sometimes we can do exactly what Jesus tells us to do, and stil we find ourselves in the dark, tossed by the wind and waves, with no hint of Jesus in sight. But it's just in this lowest moment where he wants to do a miracle and reveal his full power and presence to us.
Three months after my husband's second layoff, he was blessed with a job better than the previous two. Even though at times we couldn't see God's plan, looking back, his hand never left us. Our faith grew in a way that would have never been possible, had we not been in the storm in the first place.
"But he said to them, 'It is I; don't be afraid.' Then they were willing to take him into the boat, and immediately the boat reached the shore where they were heading" (John 6:20-21).
My husband had been laid off for the second time in four months, and we were clueless about what God wanted for us. The faith that had seen me through the first layoff was faltering. I couldn't see which way to go, and I definitely couldn't see God anywhere in sight. It felt as if he had just left us there in our situation, all alone.
This must have been what the disciples had felt after Jesus had fed the five thousand and then sent the them across the sea on a boat. When Jesus still hadn't joined them between 3 a.m. and 6 a.m., the disciples were afraid and worried. Not only was it the wee hours of the morning, but the wind was also causing the boat to rock and sway. They were fearful and probably confused. After all, they were on the water because this was what Jesus had told them to do, and they had followed his instructions.
Little did they know that Jesus was going to come through for them and perform a miracle right before their frightened eyes.
If Jesus had walked on water during the daytime and in calm seas, would the disciples have experienced the full effect and power of this miracle?
Sometimes we can do exactly what Jesus tells us to do, and stil we find ourselves in the dark, tossed by the wind and waves, with no hint of Jesus in sight. But it's just in this lowest moment where he wants to do a miracle and reveal his full power and presence to us.
Three months after my husband's second layoff, he was blessed with a job better than the previous two. Even though at times we couldn't see God's plan, looking back, his hand never left us. Our faith grew in a way that would have never been possible, had we not been in the storm in the first place.
"But he said to them, 'It is I; don't be afraid.' Then they were willing to take him into the boat, and immediately the boat reached the shore where they were heading" (John 6:20-21).
The Old Box
After three months of living in our new home, I am still unpacking boxes. Yesterday, while cleaning out yet another, I came across a beautiful gold and purple box. Not remembering what was inside, I opened the box, remembering why I never threw it out.
Inside the 8" square box was a hand-written note that said, "Jill, I wanted to get you a little gift for Valentine but did not have a chance to shop. Thanks for your encouraging letters. [Your family is] special. Love you, Pauline S." Beneath the note was an old multi-colored scarf in perfect condition, a maroon and gold beaded necklace, and a box of heart-shaped soaps that must have been older than me.
Miss Pauline was a homebound elderly lady whom I "adopted" as a teenager through "Adopt a Grandparent" at our church. It turns out this never-married lady ended up "adopting" me.
Though we lived just a few miles apart, Miss Pauline and I exchanged letters regularly, and my mom would take me to visit her from time to time. I don't recall what we ever talked about but I do remember how much time and love she invested in me.
I probably didn't really appreciate the gift she gave me that Valentine's Day. But looking back, it was a gift from her heart. In her Christ-like agape love for me, she took from her own belongings to give me this gift. Looking back, this gift was just one example of how she did her best to pour her life into mine.
Though the scarf, necklace, and even the soaps are probably considered antiques by now, Pauline's gift is a tangible reminder for me of how the God wants me to pour my life into others so they will know how great His love truly is.
May I always be reminded of this when I see this old box.
"By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another" (John 13:35).
Inside the 8" square box was a hand-written note that said, "Jill, I wanted to get you a little gift for Valentine but did not have a chance to shop. Thanks for your encouraging letters. [Your family is] special. Love you, Pauline S." Beneath the note was an old multi-colored scarf in perfect condition, a maroon and gold beaded necklace, and a box of heart-shaped soaps that must have been older than me.
Miss Pauline was a homebound elderly lady whom I "adopted" as a teenager through "Adopt a Grandparent" at our church. It turns out this never-married lady ended up "adopting" me.
Though we lived just a few miles apart, Miss Pauline and I exchanged letters regularly, and my mom would take me to visit her from time to time. I don't recall what we ever talked about but I do remember how much time and love she invested in me.
I probably didn't really appreciate the gift she gave me that Valentine's Day. But looking back, it was a gift from her heart. In her Christ-like agape love for me, she took from her own belongings to give me this gift. Looking back, this gift was just one example of how she did her best to pour her life into mine.
Though the scarf, necklace, and even the soaps are probably considered antiques by now, Pauline's gift is a tangible reminder for me of how the God wants me to pour my life into others so they will know how great His love truly is.
May I always be reminded of this when I see this old box.
"By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another" (John 13:35).
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