Flesh Woman

Focal Verses: "What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Romans 7:24-25a)

Sometimes spiritual growth can be joyous. Sometimes it can be painful. For the past few weeks since writing my blog “Repetition,” I have gone through a growth of the latter kind.

Little did I know that when God laid upon my heart the song, “Empty Me,” he was preparing for something well beyond the scope of the example listed in the “I Get It” blog. I am taking a risk of being transparent in this post in hopes that through my experiences, God may touch you as he did me, albeit the hard way.

Through my prayer of “empty me,” God didn’t spare my feelings when he pointed out some areas in my life that need his transformation. However, in my flawed self, I had quite a bit of trouble with these realizations.

You see, I’ve come to realize that my view of myself isn’t rooted where it should be. Instead of realizing my value because of God’s love for me and his Son’s sacrifice for me, I vary from extreme to extreme. If I feel like I’ve got everything under control and I’m being a “good girl,” I feel on top of the world. But point out a flaw in me, and I fall into a downward spiral. I wonder how in the world have my friends stuck around this long? How has my family put up with me--and even more inconceivably--loved me? And for heaven's sake, who am I to think that I am in any position to be teaching a Bible study?

It’s inconceivable for me to think that God can use me if I have any areas of sin or weakness lurking under the surface. Whereas some people perhaps shy away from any kind of leadership position in the church or ministry for this same reason, I started questioning everything I’ve been doing in that capacity. In either case, it all boils down to one thought. I’m not good enough.

Alas, nothing could be more true. I’m NOT good enough. God doesn’t expect me to be good enough in my own strength. That’s why he gave me his Son to redeem me and his Holy Spirit to convict and change me.

As I was seeking answers to my struggles these past few weeks, God reached down and touched me in only a way that He can. This time he did it through the book Having a Mary Spirit. After thoroughly enjoying Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver, I asked my sister-in-law for that author’s next book for my birthday. Only God knew what perfect timing that book would be.

God gently reminded me that there are two forces at work inside me. Paul sums it up in the verses following his famous tongue-twister passage in Romans 7: “I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me” (Romans 7:21-23).

I had to realize that no matter how hard I try, I am always going to have, as Weaver puts it, “Flesh Woman” contending for her place in my heart. And what God wants me to do about that is to first of all recognize her. Turning a blind eye to her presence in my life isn’t the way to become more like Christ. I must recognize her and with the power of Christ fight against her. And if I lose a battle, I confess and repent and move on. I can’t get stuck in the wrongful thinking that just because Flesh Woman is part of my life, that doesn’t mean that she IS my life.

I’m still struggling with many of the areas God has revealed to me. But instead of wallowing in hopeless despair, I can now see myself the way God sees me: completely unworthy, yet completely valuable to him.

I was putting Drew to sleep one night, and it was as if God whispered in my ear, “Do you see how much you love Drew? Is it because of anything he has done? No, you love him because he’s your son. Do you love him any less when he misbehaves? Of course not. And aren’t you proud of him when he does what is right? That’s how I am with you. I love you unconditionally, and I’m proud of you when you choose my way. But your weaknesses don’t make me love you less.”

Thankfully, God understands that our sanctification (being made holy) isn’t an overnight deal. It’s a process. We can rest assured in Philippians 1:6: “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."